Essie, The Accidental Mommy hosts "Too True Tuesday", a fun way to figure out something to write about without having to use your own brain. Essie's topic this week is " Things Worse than Waxing". That's easy: finding out your fat clothes are too tight!
I got up this morning and tried to find any suitable pair of elastic-waist-band pants that I could wear to drop my kids off at school. Usually my pajama pants will do the trick, but since I had to physically bring my children into the building because my son has a new teacher (long story. . . ok, it's not really that long - my son is super smart so he's now in AP kindergarten), I figured I should wear something other than nightwear. Much to my annoyance, someone in the house had once again forgotten to put the laundry away. I didn't feel up to rummaging through bushels of clothes, so I went to the closet and found 2 pairs of pants hanging up. One pair was my jeans, which I discovered were too tight last week. So, one more pair to go. . . .and it was bad. You know, the kind of situation where you have to lie down on the bed and suck your gut in just to zip them. And here's a major pet peeve of mine - low waistlines! So, if you have to pour yourself into a pair of pants, when you actually stand up, all the leftover mass of flesh that didn't get shoved into the pants spills over the top of the pants. Here's a secret: I long for the days of Mom-jeans. I'm not incredibly fashion-conscious, but I pretty much know that Mom-jeans just are not "in" any more. But the cool thing about Mom-jeans is that they actually fit around your waist, and by waist I mean the natural curve that most women have a few inches above their hips, right around their bellybuttons. What I loved about those jeans is that you could shove so much flesh down inside and there was virtually no muffin top.
Tangent: when I was pregnant with my first baby, the low-rise maternity pants were just coming out. No way - I bought gigantic-sized elastic-waistband-pants and wore them up to my bra. I hate to have anything constricting my waist. And they were very comfy post-partum as well. At a certain point (a few weeks after my youngest baby turned 5), I finally got rid of the maternity pants and went with traditional elastic-waistband-pants.
Ok, tangent over. Here's what's worse than waxing (although I've never waxed, so I'm not quite sure): finding out that your fat clothes are too tight. Here, I'm assuming that most women have a dual wardrobe - a "fat" wardrobe and a "thin" wardrobe (or in my case, it's a "less-fat" wardrobe - I haven't been thin since I was 8 years old). Or maybe this is just a tradition in my family. We always had 2 separate collections of clothing because we were yo-yo dieters. Now, I have a number of clothing items that are in my "less-fat" collection, and I'm hoping to be able to wear them some time before they go out of style. And my fat clothes? I have just enough to get by because I do not want to have to buy more clothes in my current size.
The worst news of all: the pants I pulled out of my closet this AM were from my "fat" collection. Time to cry. I'm fairly certain that when I turned 40 a few weeks ago, my metabolism instantly shifted into reverse. Not sure what to do next, but I bet none of you can beat that - nothing is worse than putting on your fat clothes and discovering that you need a crowbar to get into them.