I haven't written about depression in a while, so here are some honest details about my own struggle with depression.
I think I'm having a bout of depression right now. It's not as bad as in the winter when the lack of sunlight makes it about ten times worse. But the signature symptoms of depression for me are:
I am tired all the time and I want to sleep all the time.
I have frequent headaches and I just generally don't feel good.
I have trouble focusing and have a hard time making even simple decisions.
Taking care of my family - even simple tasks like making meals or doing laundry - are completely overwhelming for me.
I feel hopeless about the future, as if my life has no purpose.
I feel like everything in my life is out of control: my children aren't obeying me and my house is trashed.
I feel guilty because my husband has to deal with me in this condition.
I just want to crawl into a cocoon until I feel better and my life is "fixed."
So, at this point, my thoughts enter in. I think it's all my fault. I must be a bad mom because my kids are having such a hard time. If I only worked harder at sleep and exercise and eating well, I would feel better. If I only prayed more, the depression would go away. If I spent more time with my kids, they would be better.
But, am I tired because I'm not exercising or am I not exercising because I'm tired? Are my kids giving me a hard time because they can sense that I'm not up to par, or are they acting up because I haven't been disciplining them consistently?
I have not yet hit rock bottom, and I hope I won't. But I can see that the downward spiral has begun. I'm still lucid enough to know that I will probably (hopefully, prayerfully!) snap back in a few weeks.