Monday, February 23, 2009


I am a happily married, homeschooling, Jesus loving girl. Ever since I was young, all I wanted was to get married and raise a family. I never really wanted to have a career.

When I got married and started having babies, all my dreams were fulfilled. Yet the past 10 years of my life have been the hardest I've ever known. That doesn't mean they haven't been joyful, amazing and rewarding as well - they have in so many profound ways. It's just that, well, as much as I wanted to be a mother, I was totally unprepared for it. There is nothing that makes you come face-to-face with your own selfishness quite the way motherhood does.

So I wasn't very far into my parenthood journey when I realized that I was completely inadequate. And that made me feel guilty, as if I had to be perfect for my daughter and I just wasn't measuring up. As I dealt with those feelings, along came baby #2 and #3, each 21 months apart. Then a little over 2 years later, #4 was born. Some people can handle 4 children in 6 years. I couldn't. I was mentally, physically, spiritually and emotionally drained. I had hit rock bottom.

I LOVED my children. And I HATED myself for not being enough for them. I cried so much because I wished my kids could have a better mom than me. In some sick, twisted way, I took it out on them. I was a very crabby, angry, irritable and depressed mom for several years of my children's young lives.

Blessed be God, my husband knew I needed some help. He confided in our daughter's Godfather, who is also a wonderful Catholic doctor, Dr. P. He simply said, "It sounds like she's depressed." So, we went to our own doctor, Dr. D., to get his take on it and he agreed.

After several tries on different medications, I finally ended up with one that worked. And our entire family also ended up switching to Dr. P. for a variety of reasons. A major factor was that he was able to explain to me what happens with depression so that I could understand it wasn't my fault or that I just wasn't trying hard enough.

So, this just scratches the surface of my parenting experience. I plan to write quite a bit more on this topic. I think it's important for people to know how to recognize depression. I also want to help remove some of the stigma attached to it.

It doesn't mean I will no longer inject humor into my posts. Along with the Lord, and my amazing family and friends, humor is my lifeline!

Stay tuned!

1 comment:

  1. This post reminds me of a conversation I had with my future mother-in-law. She told me that she never realized how selfish she was til she had kids. I smiled and nodded at the time.

    She was absolutely right.


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