My Thoughts on the Bachelor

My blogger friend Connie at the Young and Relentless has gotten me addicted to The Bachelor.  I have only watched one entire season before, and I wasn't very impressed.  I mean, am I the ONLY person who doesn't believe this "Bachelor" process will ever work?  How can you expect a man and woman (or 26 women, in the case of the current season) to NOT fall in love when you take them out of their normal, stressful lives and place them in a resort setting for 3 months, provide them with gorgeous clothes, make-up artists, hair stylists, and waxing!  They only have to look good for about 3 or 4 hours of the day.  The rest of the time, they can probably surf the web, sleep, sit in a hot tub, sleep, read, sleep, swim, sleep, or just be lazy (or sleep).  I assume they do not have to cook, clean, do laundry, solve sibling fights, or clean up puke.  Sure, they show the ladies making their way around the kitchen, but there is no way you can convince me that a show with a multi-million dollar budget - complete with limos, helicopters, trans-continental dates and diamond jewelry - does NOT provide a 24-hour kitchen staff.

If you put me in that environment, I would fall in love with a monkey.  

Now, the show really does have entertainment potential.  My girls and I have already spent countless hours laughing commiserating with the women's intensely emotional issues.  (Girl with raccoon eyes, sobbing in front of the camera:  "I was just so sure I would be the future Mrs. Bachelor.  I mean, I just met him 3 hours ago, but I just knew....")  We do realize that this is indeed NOT the way to get a husband, so I point out the inconsistencies, the unhealthy emotional attachment, and not to mention immodest behavior, to my kids every. single. time. we watch it.

However, I, for one, would like to see the realism in this reality TV show kicked up a notch.

Here are some of my suggestions for future Bachelor dates: 
(Take note, ABC, you may just get some fresh potential for these monotonous shows of yours.)

1.  Put the Bachelor and all the women in the same house, together, 24 hours a day.  Do not provide cooks, maids, or laundry service, and the girls' true colors will shine in no time.  For a fun twist, make them all share one bathroom.  Make a chore chart to see who's a slob and who's obsessive compulsive.

2.  Deprive the girls of several days' worth of sleep before their dates.  Then we'll see how sweet and perfect they seem when cavorting on their dream dates.

3.  Provide the Bachelor with some hidden-camera clips of his potential wives driving in heavy traffic during rush hour.  How perfect are they now?

4. For that matter, show him some of the clips of the girls interacting in the house when he's not there.  
Cat fight anyone?
  

5.  One of the dates should include 3 small, exceptionally whiny children and a visit to WalMart on a Saturday afternoon.  Give them a 100-item shopping list, a time limit, and no snacks or extra diapers.

6.  Put the Bachelor and the girls in a motor home for a cross-country trip.  Limit the number of stops, all they have to eat and drink are hot coffee and bran muffins.  Do not stock any deodorant, toothpaste, or hairspray.

7.  Here is my final idea - and the most genius, I might add.  This will ensure that Sean will not have to make any decisions whatsoever; he can just sit back and enjoy the process while waiting for his bride to emerge alive.

May I present to you:


The Bachelor Games

26 Tributes, fighting to the death until a lone victor remains.

At least the Bachelor wouldn't have to go through the agonizing process of choosing just one.

Conversations with my Teen & Tween Daughters

Caution:  If you are a person of the male gender, you may find this post uncomfortable.  Proceed with discretion.  Or better yet, do not read this at all.  

I am pretty open with my kids when talking about life and all its intricacies.  Blunt, in fact.  I just don't see any reason to evade the questions.

When I was pregnant with my youngest, my oldest was about 5.  Being an exceptionally bright and precocious 5-year-old, she obviously wanted to know how the baby got in there and how it was going to come out.  I delicately explained the process, being as simple and vague as possible, leaving the subject open to more questions if she wasn't satisfied.  But I think she got the idea, and, being sufficiently grossed out, she didn't ask me any more questions for about 5 years.

When she reached around 10, with the other 2 close behind her, I figured it was time to start talking about "the changes."  You know, the subject matter that made every. single. person. squirm in their seats during health class.  I don't exactly remember learning about all this stuff, but I think it would be quite shocking for a kid to hear about it all at once.  So I tried to be delicate and explain it in such a way that makes it seem beautiful and a natural process of growing up. "Hey, you're going to start getting a period every month for the next 40 years.  It's messy, it's painful, and it will make you cranky for about 1/2 of your life."
 
My girls have been schooled.

Last night, they were asking me how long PMS lasts. I laughed and said, " It depends on who you ask."

I looked to my husband to elaborate. He usually tries to avoid such conversations by covering his ears and curling into a fetal position.  However, this time, he was able to give this insightful response:  "It's kind of like the 12 days of Christmas.  You get something new every day."

Ah, we're ready for adolescence, I believe.

However, we may need some advice in a few more years.  I will be turning to you, because my husband will in the corner, sucking his thumb.

The Worst of Kind of Perfectionist

I always identify myself as a perfectionist.  I'm not sure why.  I haven't actually behaved like a perfectionist for several years. I like to use this simple explanation:  When my husband had a stroke 2 years ago, I gave myself permission to let some things slide for a while.  "A while" quickly became 2 years, and now I'm a bona fide slob.

Sadly, the reality is more likely that I became a slob MANY years before the stroke.  My bizarre bilateral attitude is a mystery, even to me. I mean my ideal sense of cleanliness and order is: 

EVERYTHING has a neat, orderly, labeled place AND everything is put away in their neat, orderly, labeled places.  Easy enough, right?

And then: 

Surfaces dusted, windows cleaned.

Floors swept, mopped and vacuumed.

No food stuck on the countertops, walls, windows, doors, furniture.

No dust, no mud, no boogers, no snotty kleenex, no chewed up gum wads, no mysterious stains on the wall, no nail polish stains in the living room carpet, no giant gouges out of the drywall where the reclining couch digs into it, no cat scratches on the furniture, no dings or dents in the door frames, no broken latches on sliding doors.  And, is it too much to ask to have furniture that hasn't been around since my high school graduation???

Are you sensing the disparity between my fantasy life and reality?

The problem is that I want perfection.  However, I don't necessarily feel like working for perfection any more.  For example, if I had a dog with good hygiene habits, I would probably let him lick the dishes clean and I would be OK with that.  This means that I am not willing to ACT like a perfectionist...I simply want my home to be perfect.

Is that too much to ask? 

Why I Don't Make New Year's Resolutions

It's January 30. 

Are you scratching your head, wondering why on earth I'm talking about New Year's Resolutions?  I know you are, so Thank You!  You have just proven the point of this blog post.

And that point is:  No one thinks about New Year's Resolutions after the new year.  Or before the new year, for that matter.  The only time we ever see, hear, or read anything about NYRs (sorry, I got tired of typing out New Year's Resolutions) is on December 31 and January 1.  You might quite possibly hear about it on January 2 or 3 from those Polly Perky Over-Achievers who blog about every single success in their life, from their flawless appearance to their lavishly decorated houses to their perfectly-behaved Stepford children.  (Side note:  If you are one of those perfect women and you are reading my blog, Welcome!  I'm glad you stopped by.  But still, I hate you.) 

No one takes NYRs seriously!

Let's look, for example, at my own failures at following through with NYRs.  Since I am FAT, and have been for many years, I usually think about trying to lose weight.  So, here's the scenario:  I don't ever try to lose weight during the holiday season.  If I did, those around me might try to have me committed.  So, in the past, I have actually tried to make one of those silly NYRs.  This is how it usually plays out:

I decide that, as of January 1, I will become a new ME! 

January 1 rolls around and guess what?  I don't feel any different.  I don't feel like Jillian Michaels is inside of me, waiting to get out.  Instead I'm usually sleeping half the day and waking up with a hangover.  To be honest, it has been about 20 days years since I had a hangover from alcohol.  Nowadays, it's a sugar hangover.  And we all know the best cure for a hangover - have some more of what made you hung over in the first place.  So I race around the house like a rabid little rodent, trying to find the last bits of sugar from the holiday gluttony.  

Thus, January 1 is always a failure of epic proportions.

January 2 comes along.  I have to begin to face reality.  The holidays are over and I have to become a productive human being again, even in spite of my repeated letters to the President and Congress requesting that we change the entire American system so we get a hibernation break. But no, they have done nothing to appease my desire to sleep for months at a time.  

Jerks.

By January 3 or 4, reality truly hits me in the face.  The kids are going back to school.  The hubby is going back to work.  I should start thinking about this NYR that I foolishly made a few days back, most likely while under the influence of sugar.  But I don't FEEL like making any changes to my dietary habits or my non-existent exercise routines.  You know what?  I'll just wait until after my birthday, January 14.  

January 15.  I have spent the last 5 days preparing for and celebrating my birthday.  I have eaten 3 whole cakes, a gallon of ice cream, and enough nachos to serve at a sports bar on Super Bowl Sunday. 

Hmm, maybe I'll just wait until the beginning of Lent.  That usually comes in mid-February.  Not only does it buy me some time to get serious about my NYR, it also has a spiritual component that will make me feel guilty about eating anything that tastes good.

Ash Wednesday.  I try to fast for a few minutes hours, but it's just too hard.  I eat the emergency stash of Oreos.

Lent is 40 days long.  I manage to steer clear of sweets for about 3.89 of them.  And I decide that this really isn't the time to think about weight loss - my focus should be on more spiritual things during this time.

Easter arrives and of course, I have a new lease on life.    There is chocolate and sugar everywhere.  In my church tradition, Easter lasts for 50 days, and it would be unheard of to diet and fast during the Easter season.  Better wait until Pentecost.

For those of you who don't know, Pentecost usually lands some time in May.  That puts me almost half-way through the year.  

At that point, there is no way I even remember my New Year's Resolution.

Oh well, there's always next year.