THE GREAT QUARANTINE OF 2020: PART 3

Okay, here's what I really want to know. Like seriously, I can't wrap my mind around this.

Way back in the beginning of the madness that is the corona-quarant-isolatio-pocalypse, it was crucial to get communication from our schools, places of employment, churches, and WalMart, letting us know that we could not visit our favorite public places as we normally would. I'm sure school-kids and overworked employees were shouting a little bit of praise at the forced time off. In the beginning, at least. A few weeks of staying home is generally kind of nice when you get through the harsh winter and ensuing cabin fever period of February and March. These types of establishments generally contacted us via email, phone-casts, and mass texts.

Those were very helpful and included important messages about how to stay safe, how to limit, or eliminate completely, our contact with other people who may have infectious germs on or inside of their person, OR by touching a surface that may have also been touched by someone who knows Pharell's sound engineer, who also happens to have worked with Ariana, who is my daughter's idol, and maybe somehow, someone could make the connections for her to meet Ariana and in turn, Ariana could introduce me to Harry Styles. Wait, no, that is something like six degrees of separation. Anyway, it's helpful to know how grocery stores, banks, schools, and churches are handling the ongoing threat of COVID-19. In short, they're all shut down, so don't go there.

But why, oh why, am I getting emails from every company that has ever had me on their email list??? Do I need to know about everyone's approach to COVID-19?

Take Capital One, for example, our credit card company. Honestly, why would I care about their approach to coronavirus? If I wanted to visit their office in person, I'd imagine it might involve an airplane or an Amtrak train, and probably a hotel stay. In other words, I do not now and have never needed to visit them in person. So basically, their message is “We hereby want to just reiterate that we have never, and we will continue to not do this: lick, spit, sneeze or cough in the general direction of your mail." Their additional offer of help, which you will see when you visit their website, is “We are here to help our customers impacted by the COVID-19 virus situation.” So, I'm not sure what this means but maybe they're going to offer more loans and credit limit increases so they can stay in business.

Basically, everyone out there wants you to know that it's “business as usual” but it really isn't, like with our credit union. “Hello folks. You can still access online banking via phone, internet, and if those don't work, you can try morse code. Our branch will still be open a few hours a day, but we obviously won't be letting people in. We'll be sitting behind our 2-inch thick bullet proof glass laughing at you as you tug on the doors but those suckers are going to stay shut tight. We're sorry if you don't have access to online banking. Why don't you grow the hell up and get with the 21st century? And how should you go about depositing cash? Haha, silly you. You DON'T! For heaven's sake, man, cash is a veritable sewage system, holding the entirety of the planet's germs in its innocent, leafy appearance. And let's be real here, since we are heading for economic destruction, why not go the old-fashioned route and stuff the goods under your mattress like Grandpa used to do? Might not be a bad idea now that we're on the cusp of another Great Depression. Oh, and feel free to click this link to find out how to sanitize your money: www.notmoneylaundering.com." (Note to the FBI: this post is strictly for entertainment purposes. This is not an active link, and I wouldn't understand how money-laundering works even if I studied it all of my life.)

When did Paypal become an expert on coronavirus?

Why is there a popup on YouTube that asks if I'd like to learn more about COVID-19? This is completely outside of the limit and scope of YouTube! People get on YouTube to enjoy mindless skits from Saturday Night Live and TV show bloopers, or to see what happens when you put a bullet into a hydraulic press or an aerosol can into the microwave. In other words, people go to YouTube to forget about the madness (of COVID-19) for while, in order to indulge in another kind of madness completely.

Domino's offers “contact-free” delivery, and they vaguely assure me that their in-store safety procedures are still as top-notch as ever. But there's no mention of face masks, gloves, or hair nets. Still, as the pizza has been fired in a 450° oven, removed with one of those long spatula thingys (which I've learned is called a “pizza peel”) that hopefully has a 6-foot handle, the pizza itself is probably reasonably safe. (But, do we know for a fact that 450° temperatures kill the novel coronavirus?)

On the contrary, Little C (another pizza company, of which I've changed the name to protect the innocent) happy to let you know that they're still open and that they will not now, and have never, used gloves, hair nets, or masks to make their fine pizza, because it is only $5 after all. What do you expect them to do, make their insanely cheap and greasy pizza in a bubble? Little C offers the friendly tip - even outside of corona-times - that you may want to call back on occasion to make sure you don't need a booster on your hepatitis vaccines as a result of frequenting their store.

Speaking of vaccines, what are the anti-vaxxers doing now? I'm not trying to start a fight or some philosophical discussion about vaccinations. I'm genuinely curious. As everything in the northern hemisphere, western hemisphere, and probably the southern hemisphere – hell, the entire planet – is shutting down, are they sitting around thinking, “I don't care if that vaccine ever gets made. My kids are strong and healthy.” Or are they actively protesting against a vaccine because, you know, vaccines are stupid. OR, are they actually having COVID-19 parties, a la chicken pox parties, getting their kids together so they can all get it at once and build antibodies together in a fun and productive way? Someone enlighten me.

Okay, back to other unnecessary mail:

From MSU (Al and I are alumni. We both graduated about 25 years ago. We currently have no children attending MSU):

Dear Jennifer,
As a valued member of the Spartan family, I appreciate the trust you have placed in me to ensure the health and well-being of our students, faculty, staff and the entire MSU community blah, blah may feel stress and concern about yada yada. You are important to us and whatchacallit blah blah.
I purposely cut off the rest of the message because I assumed you wouldn't read the entire thing. I didn't either because I have better things to do with my time and it affects me in no way whatsoever.


Snopes: I do appreciate the Snopes.com emails because they are good and trustworthy when it comes to debunking myths, urban legends, and plain old stupidity, such as "Coronavirus was actually a bioweapon created by Russia because they're still pissed that they didn't get to use more nukes during the Cold War."

Canva: I use this online design program for an book covers, cards, posters, and props for my ESL job. Now, just so you understand, I couldn't go to a Canva location if I wanted to because, and let me be very clear about this, it is an ONLINE company. So, why do they have to tell me about their approach to fighting COVID-19?

Budget car rental: “Just in case you're stupid – or rebellious – enough to travel right now, our cars are routinely sanitized and ready and waiting at your convenience. However, not all of our locations are in operation because we've been told we're not essential workers, and the governor of Michigan said that people shouldn't drive cars. Ever.”

Calm (an app for relaxation): “Here are some free resources to support you through this challenging time.” What challenge? We have to stay home. How stressful is that? (Okay, I get that it is truly stressful for some people, like extroverts, people who need a paycheck to survive from day to day, and serial killers, to name a few.)

Hotels.com: Honestly, I can't remember the last time I stayed in a hotel or used your site. Why do you still have my email address?! Unsubscribe me, you stalkers!

Sears: A company whose name is synonymous with bankruptcy and has closed the vast majority of their stores, still wants to sell me name brand appliances. Oh, and they also have some "valuable" information about coronavirus.

Speedy Rewards (Speedway): “We have enhanced our already comprehensive in-store cleaning and sanitization processes, and continued emphasis on proper personal hygiene, including more frequent handwashing and the proper use of hand sanitizer. (How many people have been using sanitizer incorrectly or improperly? How does that even happen? Unless you're drinking it, in which case you may have more serious problems than being at risk for the 'rona.) We have also distributed cleaning supplies which have been EPA-certified to kill the COVID-19 virus, with instructions to increase the frequency of cleaning commonly touched surfaces, including bathrooms, touchscreens, door and cooler handles, dispensers, and pin pads. Soon, Speedway will be supplying our stores with hand sanitizer stations for customer use, adding an additional level of protection.”

What a very nice email from Speedway. However, when you go to the actual gas station, don't touch your face and be absolutely sure that you WASH YOUR HANDS when you get home because coronavirus could be spread through gas pump handles. And because your hands usually stink after you pump gas and if you don't wash them after this filthy task in general, there is something wrong with you.

Representative Elissa Slotkin: Vote for me because I was the one to inform you that the tax deadline has been extended to July 15. Oh wait, you already voted for me. Never mind.

New York times: We have the official count of those affected by COVID-19.

USA Today: No, we have the official count.

NYT: No, you dumb ninny, we do.

USA Today: What makes you so special?

NYT: We're in New York, duh.

Finally, emails from my neighbors at nextdoor.com. This is a site that can be customized to the neighborhood you live in, where people can post just about anything on a community bulletin board. It's kind of nice except when I get repeated emails about Nancy's missing cat. Anyway, the recent messages have been about several home and auto break-ins.

Great, the looting has started. Grab your shotgun, lock your doors, batten down the hatches. It's gonna get rough.