I started this blog because I wanted an outlet for creative expression. I wanted a venue to be witty and funny. I strive to write well.
Not today. I am just going to pour it all out. If any of you wonder what depression is like, here it comes. I am tired all. the. time. And if I have an event that I'm looking forward to or something that needs to be done, I muster up enough energy to get through it, and then I crash for hours or even days. Last weekend was my birthday weekend, as you know. After the party, I spent the rest of the weekend in my pajamas, for the most part. And our whole family did nothing but watch TV and play video games. That's not because I think this is a beneficial way to spend time. It's just that I didn't have the energy to suggest an alternative. Once in a while, I'd say, "Quit watching TV already or your brain is going to rot!" And then I would go back to playing my video game.
Winter is hard. It's nice to sit in a blanket, drink coffee and not do anything. But the down side is that such a sedentary lifestyle contributes to my fatigue and depression. The sun was shining yesterday, so I FORCED myself to go out for a walk because I figured it would rejuvenate me. Right. I was so exhausted for the rest of the day that I went to bed at 7.
Now, the worst part of depression for me is that I truly can't cope with life, which is probably why my children watch TV all the time instead of interacting with me or with each other. I hate this, and I feel guilty about it, and then I spiral down into thinking, "I'm such a bad mom" and "All my kids' problems are my fault." Over the years, I've developed enough cognitive tools to get myself out of such thinking, but I don't necessarily have the energy to make any concrete changes.
And so we have stretches of time, like the past 24 hours, which were absolute living hell. It included throwing of scissors, pulling of hair, locking of siblings in a dark basement, venomous sarcasm, kicking, punching, hitting, throwing of boots, and much complaining. As I said before, I can't cope very well during these times. I would prefer that my children don't do or say anything at all - and that they would just sit quietly in front of the TV - but they don't comply, of course, because they're kids.
So this morning, I freaked out - again - remember Shamu? Yeah, it was something like that. I started crying on the way to school and I told my kids maybe they should just find a new mom since I wasn't doing a very good job. Nice, huh? I walked into school with my children, tears streaming down my face and trying not to make eye contact with any of the teachers, because, good heavens! Who wants their children's cutie-pie teachers to see them crying??? (Yes, 2 of my children's teachers are quite handsome, but they're also young enough to be my. . . .younger brothers, so we'll leave it at that.)
And I walked through the grocery store fighting off tears the whole time. I'm a mess right now and I'm not sure how I'm going to clean myself up.
One thing is for sure: I am going to see a counselor. I have some recommendations from my doctor and from my friend who is a Social Worker, but I'm not sure who to see yet. I want my children to go, too. It's just kind of humbling to take the first step.
You don't really have to say anything to this post because I'm not looking for sympathy. I have help & support, but I'm just going through a hard time. And I want other women who struggle with depression to know they're not alone. I would appreciate your prayers as I muddle through this, though, and as I try to figure out what to do with this blog - I do want to write more about living with depression, but without being a Wendy Whiner. I want to use my difficulties to let other people know they're not alone. In all my years of battling depression, I've learned that I'm not alone and it will get better. Hopefully, it will get better soon.