There's something new in my life and I am very much enjoying it. It's called peace. Quiet. Solitude. I knew I would enjoy it, but I didn't realize how much. I am experiencing a new inner peace that I haven't had for a very long time. I almost feel guilty about being so peaceful now that my kids are in school.
But to be honest, I am seeing now, with crystal clarity, that God led me to this place. I do believe it was His will for us to homeschool for a time. It helped my children to grow in confidence. It helped them to grow in their relationship with me. It gave me time to form them and train them to some extent, even though we have a long way to go. Most of all, it showed me that I just can't do it!
I am a perfectionist. I want my life to be perfect. I want to think that if I just work hard enough at something, I can do it. I want to agree with the homeschooling zealots who say it's the only way or that it is possible for anyone if you just find your groove.
Well, I'm sorry. For me, it's not possible. As soon as the kids went to school, I had peace. Not just because the house is quiet (which is really awesome!) But because I believe God orchestrated this for us. He brought me to a point where I would be open to letting my kids go out to school, and then this awesome Charter Academy opened up this very year. My kids are enjoying it, but they do not like the strictness. All right - that is exactly what they need: rules, schedule, an ordered learning environment. They are learning traditional morals and values. They are being taught by excellent and very friendly teachers, many of whom are Christian.
And what I need is solitude. That is my language. That is my way of recharging. I am an introvert. I love people. I love my friends. I LOVE MY FAMILY!!! But if I don't get down time (quiet time, solitude), I will shut down. And for the past 5 years of homeschooling, I've been shutting down. I got to a point where all I ever wanted to do was sleep. I couldn't cope with the reality of life and the constant needs of my children. Now I have time to recharge every day. I have the energy to love my children well and to be interested in them. I have the desire to spend time with them.
God created me this way, and I've been working on my mental and emotional health for a long time. And for the first time in a very long time, I feel as if I'm making some headway.