After I applied for the job (see my last post Ch...Ch...changes), I continually prayed that, if the job wouldn't be a good fit for me, for any reason, that the Lord would not allow it to work out. Any time that I pray, "Lord, not my will, but Yours be done," I still have my preference. And I still kick and scream a bit if I don't get it.
I got a call on Wednesday saying that the office administrator position was indeed going to be vacant, but they were going to interview other people (i.e. not me) for the position, people who had more experience than me. Of course, this is certainly reasonable, since they don't want to train a new person from the ground up. But I really, really wanted it! (can you envision a 2-year-old tantrum here???) I did actually cry because I thought I wanted it so badly.
I let myself cry for a day, and then I moved on. Actually, my therapist helped me move on. Um, cliche, yes, but it's true.
But here's what I was REALLY going through: I had applied for the job, unsure if it was what I really wanted or whether I could really handle it, given my health battles for the past few years and the fact that I love my free time and my ability to play Sims 3 for hours on end (oops, did I say that out loud?) And I haven't even gotten my full year of relaxation in since I quit homeschooling. But I applied anyway, and in order to be prepared for the possibility of getting the job, I had to immerse myself in the role - I had to begin thinking like a working woman and ordering my life in such a way that would make things easier if and when I returned to work full-time. So, I guess you could say I immersed myself in it so much that I got my hopes up. I began to think in terms of "when" it happens, not "if" it happens.
When it didn't happen, I was extremely disappointed. But what surprised me was the depth of my emotion about it. I felt rejected. I talked myself through it because I know that I get along well with the people in the school office, and that they like me. However, I also know that I don't have much experience in an office setting and I haven't worked in 12 years. But somehow, I still had this wild emotional experience that reminded me of that incredibly deep hurt of being dumped by a boyfriend in high school.
So, in talking to my therapist, she helped me to see it this way: My emotional experience was indeed too large for the situation, but not to my fault. This is a very common response with me - what I do is that I have an emotional reaction to something and then I try to find a reason for it, and then tell myself how much my life stinks because of this intense feeling. I also link all of my past similar emotions to this experience and it makes the whole situation much larger than it has to be. So, it is exactly the right action to talk myself through it, realizing that this is nothing like being dumped by a guy in high school. It has nothing to do with me and my worth as a person.
I wonder, as I share this, if it seems bizarre to anyone else that I would have a reaction like this. But I think it's a big factor in my struggle with depression. I tend to have to find an answer for every emotional response, instead of just experiencing the emotion for what it is - a normal, healthy reaction. And I carry all the past responses I've had into every new situation. So, this is what I'm working through.
But after my day of crying, I was relieved. I wasn't sure that I had it in me to take on a full-time job, and I still wanted the freedom to do some things that would be much more difficult if I were working. I want to write, although I haven't blogged faithfully for some time. I really do love to write, and I want to devote more time to it in the form of blogging and trying to write a book. I've wanted to write a book for a l-o-n-g time, but I can't come up with a good topic. I don't want to write the "great American novel" because, frankly, I suck at fictional writing. But I love humor and I like to try to inspire - is there a way to combine the two into something new and fresh? Ultimately, I would like to make a living doing this, but I know it's a long shot. It's not easy to just "become" a writer. But I will continue to work on my skill and wait for God to open a door.